change is good

you know what bugs me?

supremely happy people. they are REALLLLY annoying.

i was trying to figure out why exactly they bug me so much, and i came up with chaos.

like, the universe is chaos. i dont know if there is a supreme ruler that makes sense of the chaos, and gives us the safety of order, i just kind of accept that the universe is stupid sometimes. it'll screw you over and then accidentally give you something good later on that wouldnt have happened if it hadnt screwed you over. haha, stupid universe

but anyways. chaos is integral to me. its the reason i feel like i have to devote myself to helping others, because there are some people the universe never messes up on, some people who never have a chance.

if someone is supremely happy, they are ignoring chaos- they are ignoring that there are millions of hungry, millions of poor, millions of people living in fear, lacking freedom to live their lives. maybe they do know about it, maybe they've done something about it, but still.

i hope to never be supremely happy. i always want to saddened by the fact that some 96 percent of the world doesnt have the same opportunities that you do, because that will keep me going, and keep me fighting for them.

=> =

hello, poor abandoned xanga

so xanga died sometime in august 2004 :(  i wonder if anyone even signs on once a year, to check-just-in-case.

but anyways :) i made a black jersey skirt today, and it looks pretty good!

i have an idea for another one, knit around the butt area with a sewn on skirt

and i am sequestering myself until i finish it. its pink and used to be a sweater and i've een listening to pop all day. hellogoodbye gwen stefani akon yeah yeah yeahs. pop-ish stuff, anyways.

i am for once just enjoying my summer :) well except for one english class, but thats beside the point :)

offf to knit and be happy haha

art?

so yea. art. what if i majored in it?

i think that'd be too much. but i'm happy doing it. i'd find my way somehow, i'd make pretty things and save the world :)

there are so many ways i can use it, but... i dont know. its new to think that people use art for so much- like the people that plan out bands at coachella- that's art- at least in my mind. putting together a fashion show is art- even if most of it is organizing people, calling, etc. but there's still the music, the costumes... it looks like i'm good at it. i'll probably minor in art

ironic that i wasnt really even that into art until last year- it didnt seem serious. even last year, it still wasnt near a priority. not sure what changed. maybe it was the freedom to do whatever i wanted.

so. Art.

argh what to do what to do what to do?

sherwood says that LBCC has a really good art program, maybe that'll help push me in the right direction

2004-2005-2006 in summary

so. i've basically written in this randomly for the last couple of years, and just now, i started thinking, i may be reading this YEARS from now, trying to figure out what life was like from little fragments of it. so i'm writing a little summary. sorry if i sound whiny, but its just what i feel :)

the past couple of years, sophmore to the first semester of senior year, i felt like i was stuck. i wanted to be the best, but was dismayed that i couldn't do well without effort anymore. i've always been absolutely devoted to the things i love, and i devoted myself too much to extracurriculars, like ballet folklorico and trainers. i ended up doing bad in school the first grading periods, and wasn't strong enough to pick myself up from those lows.

i was stuck.

but now... things have changed. I took the SAT in April 2006, and got a 2040, first time, no studying. yea, i know, i'm bragging. i'm actually just really good at multiple choice for some reason. but anyways, it gave me alot of confidence. i had been given to thinking i was stupid, that there was no reason to do work if i was just going to do badly at it. but 2040 isn't bad. i knew my stuff. i felt like i finally had something to show in college admissions, and it made me want to fight.

first semester of senior year, i was ready to give it my all. i signed myself up for five AP's, along with evening school, and presidency of a club. it was WAYYYY to much for me- i ended up not doing a lot of my work, and actually getting my lowest GPA is my high school career. but, i succeeded. i learned that i had to work hard to succeed, but that doing too much when i was just learning to succeed was absolute suicide. i learned that i had to be strong through the tough times, had to learn how to recuperate from them, saw that i had to transition from a happiness-seeking person to a purpose-driven person, because i would never truly be happy unless i made a diffrence in the world, and that I, personally, could not make a difference without working my little butt off.

so now, for the first time in years, i have good grades ( A's or grades that will be A's once i turn some stuff in), i'm happy, not stressed, feel like i'm in control of my life, and feel like its only up from here

so even though i'm most probably headed to city college this summer, fall and spring (that depends on the slim chance of my getting into pitzer), its all good.

and when i re-apply to pitzer in the spring of 2008, i'll have a better record, and hopefully, a better chance of getting in, along with it :)

hey, world, i'd like you to know, that..

here i come